Who is Your Source?

In March of this year I started considering Hannah's summer.  What would she do?  Where could she go?  Last year she participated in the YESS Program, which met all of her needs:  social, educational, and most importantly in the summer, FUN.  I hoped to enroll her again this year, but at nearly $200 per week, I knew I couldn't manage it without severely limiting any other summer activities.  No vacation.  No fun outings on the weekend. Nothing.

Last year I paid for 100% of YESS out of pocket, except for two weeks that I received as a kind of scholarship from The Arc of Sedgwick county, which sponsors the program.  I hoped that Hannah's dad would pay for this year's program.  That's only fair, right?  Our agreement was to share big ticket items 50-50 and this was definitely a big ticket item.  My first request was ignored and I immediately undertook a little gripe session with God:

OK, God, I paid for this whole thing last year.  He should pay this year.  It's only right.  What will I do?  Where will Hannah go?  How am I supposed to pay?

I heard God clearly answer, He is not your source.  I am your Source.

Well, that's nice, God, but I just don't see it.  I don't see a way for it to work.

My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways.

You got me there, but IT ISN'T FAIR.

I think God actually laughs when we make this statement.  Because the implication is:  It isn't fair and He can't fix unfair.

I continued on, making several attempts at asking Hannah's dad to finance her summer, or at least a few weeks of it.  Each attempt was ignored and each ignored attempt resulted in a repeat of the above conversation with God.  But each time that God reminded me that He is my Source, it sunk in a little deeper.  I started wondering how Hannah's YESS program might be financed.  Would a generous benefactor step in?  Should I ask someone else to help?  Would my tax refund cover it?  Might I get a raise at work?  Maybe Hannah's dad would step up at the last minute after all.

Nothing was changing in my physical world.  That's not true.  A truer statement is that my circumstances weren't visibly changing, but my heart had changed from panicked to peaceful.  I can't stress enough the importance of morning Quiet Time with God, for in the process of bringing my request to Him, being reminded that He alone is my Source, and moving on to other topics, I had come to a point of peace with whatever may happen.  Even if Hannah spent the whole summer at home, God would make it good.

Just when that peace had finally come keep permanent residence in my heart, I received a phone call.  Hannah's teacher wondered if I would be interested in having Hannah work for her this summer.  She needed to organize her classroom.  Also, she was scheduled for knee surgery in early summer and could use a helper to do little tasks that are difficult when a person can't walk.  This past school year I was in constant communication with this teacher with almost daily texts, phone calls and e-mails.  She is one of the few people who "gets" Hannah and knows how to handle her idiosyncrasies.

On top of that, consider that Hannah's life has basically been on-the-job-training for her new job.  She helps me all day every day with a willing and joyful spirit.  In fact, when I do things for myself that Hannah typically does, she becomes agitated.  Every day she brings me drinks, microwaves food, helps me button clothing, picks things up off the floor, and any number of tasks that have become difficult for me as a result of my arthritis.  It's a two-way street.  We also do fun things together like going to movies, to All-Star Sports, on trips to visit her sisters or other friends and family, and more.  We're a team.

When will I stop being surprised when God handles my problems better than I could imagine?  When I will I move my belief that God has a Plan from my head to my heart?  I never imagined that my special needs daughter could have a job at 15.  But God has been planning it all along.  He brought in a new teacher this year and she and I worked together and hit it off.  This teacher has an understanding of Hannah and a special desire to help Hannah thrive.  Plus, this crazy life that Hannah and I share has prepared her for exactly this job.  That is a special, dare I say miraculous, combination.

Hannah started her new "internship" this week and it's going beautifully.

God can fix unfair.  His ways really are far above my ways and His thoughts above my thoughts.  So, "Now to him who is able to accomplish more than all we ask or imagine, by the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen." (Ephesians 3:20-21).