I am on a quest for Joy. Not happiness--Joy. I yearn for and intentionally seek Joy that is completely detached from my health, my finances or any other exterior circumstances. I am a student of Joy and, as such, I will always have more to learn and a deeper Joy to experience.
A ROUGH START
On January 1, 2014 I resolved to focus on the Fruits of the Spirit as listed in Galatians 5:22-23. Since the Latin Vulgate version of the Bible listed twelve fruits, I was all set to focus on one fruit per month. By December, 2014 I would be the most fruitful person alive.
Because I had been struggling with depression, I started with Joy, hopefully excited that I had found a magic bullet to decimate the depression once and for all. But the dark days of January came and went with Joy remaining more elusive than ever. February followed suit. Then March. I tried turning away from sad or negative thoughts. I tried memorizing joy verses from the Bible. I prayed and begged and failed, not even coming close to mastering and moving past the Fruit of Joy.
Then in April my dad was life-flighted with a brain bleed from his remote farm in northwest Kansas to Denver. I spent the majority of April in Denver and the separation from my family revealed...stuff. That summer was bizarre, fearful and malevolent. In November my marriage of twenty-one years was declared divorced by a court of law. The details are irrelevant. I no longer resolved to progress to the remaining Fruits; I simply wanted Joy.
That fall my oldest daughter, Katie, left for college and I returned to school to complete an Accounting degree I left behind when I developed Rheumatoid Arthritis in 1989. My second daughter, Hailey, started her senior year of high school. My youngest daughter, Hannah Savannah, who was born with a Dandy-Walker brain malformation, continued into 6th grade, where her behavior regressed, bringing me to the principal's office on a routine basis. The 2014-15 school year was an exercise in mere survival. It was as if my determination to have Joy had unleashed demons to thwart my progress.
I CAN DO ALL THINGS
Going to school full time, learning my new role as a single mom, and trying to provide normalcy at home while dealing, as always, with a chronic illness required energy and intense focus. But over the years I had developed a Quiet Time routine of waking early every morning to spend time with God and coffee before the girls and I started our day. I still sought Joy, seemingly fruitlessly (pun intended...is that a pun?). I knew that I could do all things through Christ who strengthened me (Phil 4:13) and that nothing could separate me from God's love (Romans 8:38-39), not even my obvious failures. Finally, I knew God had a plan for me, a plan greater than I even knew how to ask for (Jeremiah 29:11 and Ephesians 3:20-21), but I could not see it. I could only see pain and loss and fear.
LIGHTS
In the midst of the darkness, God kept providing little lights, glimmers really. They were just bright enough to say, "Turn this way" or "Take this step." I never received one giant bright light that illuminated the next year for me. Each little light lit the one day, sometimes only the one moment. But those rays lit the way for me to finish first one semester, then another. Sometimes they emanated from people: one person provided finances, my sister and brother-in-law allowed me to build on their property and even oversaw the building while I remained in a different part of the state, true friends supported and encouraged me when I felt suffocating inadequacy. My daughters were a constant source of strength and encouragement, especially Hailey who remained at home and was crossing the threshold into adulthood and could have just as easily become rebellious. People sent cards. I felt--and looked--so shell-shocked most of the time that I'm overwhelmingly grateful to the people who stuck with me while I looked, felt, and sometimes acted like a crazy woman.
A QUICK CONCLUSION
I've moved into my new home, completed my Accounting degree and started working for a flexible company that makes it possible for me to be available for Hannah and make a living. Katie and Hailey are both in college now. Hannah is in a school district that is equipped to serve her many special needs and I've only been called to the school for disciplinary reasons once in her two years there. The troubling behaviors she exhibited at home in our previous town are a distant memory. I feel safe and grateful. I have lost strength and mobility as a result of the arthritis and now use a wheelchair. However, now that my life has regained some stability, I hope to focus on rebuilding my physical body along with my spirit.
WHAT ABOUT JOY?
Earlier I stated that "The details are irrelevant." In didn't tell the story above to solicit pity. I don't feel pitiful or even sorry for myself. Instead, I hoped to convey that I experienced a crisis, that my health was and is far from perfect, and that I have a daughter with special needs (who, by the way, will feature repeatedly in this blog). Nearly everyone can relate to one or all of those situations. We all have stories to tell, difficulties to overcome, crosses to bear. We don't need the gory details. In fact, a lesson I have recently learned, truly learned in my heart and not merely in my head, is that thinking about and focusing on our difficulties and crosses even one moment longer than is necessary to pray about them and responsibly address them is a Joy assassin. In the past I have been a pro when it comes to ruminating about perceived hurts. I'm learning to stop that. Notice I say "learning" and not "learned." You will witness my ongoing struggle with this firsthand.
In January of 2018 I had an especially fun weekend with family. I traveled to be with them, spent the night, went to a KU basketball game at Allen Fieldhouse, and laughed and laughed. I felt both happiness and Joy and asked God why I couldn't feel that way more often. I felt the Spirit tell me, "When I told you to focus on Joy, you took it as a suggestion when I intended it as a command." I understood that the Spirit was telling me to not only find Joy in my present circumstances, but also to intentionally create Joyful experiences. This blog is a recording of both.
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